Musings of a mini mexican

I am small, I am mighty, I am loved chosen and destined. I write not for anyone else to read really but to keep myself sane. Its how I process and in the process I have discovered I have a gift with words.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I had a strange day today. I had school but only had two classes and finally got enough sleep to feel decent. I had a meeting at church so I was able to actually go to youth group tonight which I haven’t been able to do for about a month so that was awesome.
 I was talking to my friend Shalom in the car on the way earlier about how we always want things on our terms and in our time frame and how sometimes that’s not how the Lord rolls.
Today was sure an example of that, for those who have read my blog know that I went through a rough time and that the Lord almost literally plucked me out of my situation and allowed me to go through a time where all of my comfort zones and security blankets were taken away so I could learn to rely on Him alone. In the last 1.5 years since I’ve been home from masters I’ve really struggled with doubt and the idea that I was supposed to come home because to be perfectly honest, when it gets hard sometimes I am so very tempted to run back to Georgia which had become my spiritual comfort zone.
The reason we had the meeting tonight was that one of my girls has been going through an incredibly difficult time dealing with old wounds and depression and all of those hard things that seem to besiege this generation. After much prayer and thought on the part of myself,my pastors and her parents, we decided to pitch the idea of her applying to a Christian inpatient treatment center in the south. I have to admit I sometimes forget about how very big my God is and walked into the meeting fully expecting a few words to be exchanged and for her to walk out unchanged and completely against the idea of going to the program. So we sat down and I prayed for wisdom and just started spilling my heart. Somewhere in the middle of the meeting I realized that this is why I came home, that this meeting I was in was proof that I am walking in the will of God for my life and that His plan and timing are perfect. The fact that I was able to sit there and speak to her fears about leaving everything she knows and that she will have to completely  rely on God in a way she never has and that I completely understood that. WHAT A AMAZING MOMENT OF SEEING GOD MOVE. He so confirmed in my heart that I am exactly where he wants me. And she commited to applying to the program. I DON’T ALWAYS KNOW WHY HE PICKS ME BUT IM SO GLAD HE DOES.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

One year ago today.

One Year Ago Today.
This time last year I was spending yet another night locked in my room wasting my life on facebook when a fb friend of mine posted about his dad who ran a treatment center at my church ,running out the door because "there was a fire at the church"
 Well what happened was  a huge fire had broken out in the church/hotel/coffee shop and it ended up destroying both the church and the coffee shop and the youth room that was so near and dear to my kids. I remember watching in shock as firefighters threw burnt chairs out of an upstairs window that had been the completely gutted sanctuary that I had grown up in.I thought as I'm sure others did also "where do we go from here?" 
We as a youth group have exploded both in size and passion for the Lord. Out of the ashes of that the Lord has raised student leaders and youth alike who have renewed passion for the things of God. As far as my life goes its been a 100 change since this time last year.
At the time of the fire last year I was living with a friend's family and wrestling with  issues surrounded faith and my place in the world. I was miserable,unemployed and unfufilled. Fastforward a year and I have a have a home and I'm in school , finally chasing my dream of a culinary degree and I get the opportunity to speak life to and mentor amazing high schoolers and jr highers. I also get to serve the greatest youth pastors on earth.
So if you're reading this and are finding yourself in a place of feeling like your life is burning down around,you know this. HE REALLY DOES BRING BEAUTY FROM ASHES. Sometimes we dont understand the bigger picture at the time but in the end He always makes something beautiful from the mess.

what doesnt kill you makes you...go to college?

Good Morning horribly bored people with nothing better to do than read my blog, Its now my 4th week of school and thus far the hardest one I've had yet. I found out today that I cant change my math class credit to pass fail so instead I'm going to have to drop it entirely. Otherwise I would end up failing and lose my financial aid. I'm so incredibly frustrated at the moment. I don't admit defeat easily and its even harder to ask for help. I should have been taken the math class that is one level lower than the one I'm taking right now. I've also been battling a wicked cold and the usual wasting disease stuff. So today when my teacher told me that I have to drop my math class entirely instead of changing it to pass/fail I about burst into tears. Math has long been a struggle for me and a cause of much frustration. theres also a large possibility that if I cant get into another class I may end up with not enough financial aid to continue school this summer. I guess it just seems really dark and daunting today but this I do know..what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I've been through so much worse than this and have conquered much bigger mountains than this. SO WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU ....MAKES YOU GO TO COLLEGE

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Lessons on faith,fathers and using your blinker.

So today I went to try and get my license for the 2nd time....and I failed. Now for most this may not seem like anything serious but for me its incredibly frustrating. Here's the story wishbone.
When I was in my birth mothers womb she was a drug addict. So when I was born I had borderline Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and was addicted to drugs. Soon after birth I developed meningitis and ecoli which further cooked my already fragile brain.
Fast forward to 8th grade when  my poor frustrated parents finally took me to be tested for learning disabilities. It actually took until my 10th grade year to fully diagnose me. I have at least 4 types of dyslexia/dysgraphia and spacial awareness processing issues. So what that means in plain English is that its a miracle that I can even walk,talk,hear or get past basic elementary school. I did some very intensive cognitive therapy in 10th and 11th grade and managed to graduate from high school. I remember that one of my therapist told my mom to be prepared for me to never go to college or drive a car. That statement has haunted me for the last several years and has been a constant source of frustration for me. I have fought so very hard to get this far and when it seems like I can't conquer something it makes me crazy. I was recently denied for testing accommodations from the disability support people at my school which is going to make passing this math class incredibly difficult but back to my point. My dad today before I left for my test was trying to help me work on parallel parking and it seemed like I just couldn't get it. And then a light bulb went off and I realized due to my issues with spacial awareness its almost impossible for me. Here's the kicker though....I aced FREAKEN PARALLEL DURING THE TEST!
so ever since this afternoon when I failed the test I've been so broken hearted and down trodden and every negative voice in my head has been screaming about why I'm never going to pass this.
sometimes I have trouble remembering in the darkness what He's told me in the light. I was in the car with my dad earlier and we were discussing how someone I know is the same age as me and is the general manager of a hotel and how I cant even seem to get a drivers license. Now my dad if you don't know him is a man of very few serious words. So I made some self deprecating comment about how I cant even manage to get a license and my dad sorta mumbles "BUT YOUR EXACTLY WHERE GOD WANTS YOU" I almost had to sit down for a second. The reality of that truth  hit me like a cement truck.
The idea that the creator of the universe knows exactly how He made me and that I am not learning disabled because He created every little piece of my brain and that He holds every piece of my future and my present in His very capable hands. I now realize  that this process of college and learning to drive are no longer obstacles to be overcome but proof of  THE GOD OF THE IMPOSSIBLE.  The fact that I can even drive well enough to almost pass the test or go to college and blow my teacher away with my writing when statistically I shouldn't even be able to read. Anyways its late and I have school early. mumble grumble ....math test.... sorry this is such a long one and I appreciate anybody who reads this and hope it speaks life.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

gems, giants and dimonds in the rough.

Boy howdy this has been a weird day. To begin with my wasting disease was off the charts today and I barely made it through school even though I spent the entire day wishing I could just lay on the floor and sleep it off. For those of you who don't know I'm privileged to serve with an amazing youth ministry. I get the chance to disciple, mentor and do life with a group of about 40 Jr high and high school kids. Lately it seems that several of my kids at once have really been struggling with life. It breaks my heart to see these amazing kids battle depression, anxiety and addiction. So I was thinking about what I would say if I could get a chance to sit down and speak my heart to a couple of them who are really struggling with very hard things.  so here goes.

To my dear ones, Let me first say how very proud I am of you. For ever even taking that step to start a relationship with Christ. For allowing me the privilege of being apart of your lives. You are phenomenal human beings. You light up a room when you enter.
          I know that this place that your in is dark  perhaps the darkest you've ever been in in your short lives. I also know that life doesn't always deal us a fair hand and that sometimes when people tell you "everything happens for a reason" you want to punch them in the mouth. I know that sometimes it seems like I'm just another talking head. Another person to tell you a bunch of cliche bible verses and try to boss you around But let me tell you this. My heart is breaking for what your going through because I have been there. I once was homeless and didnt want anything to do with my family. I used to wake up every morning wishing I could just go back to sleep and never wake up.
 So because I know and because I have been there in that place where it seems too dark to ever see daylight again. One of my pastors in Georgia once told me something . thats always stuck with me. "REMEMBER IN THE DARKNESS WHAT HE'S TOLD YOU IN THE LIGHT" no matter how dark it seems or how hopeless you feel remember these things
so in closing I just wanna say that I hope you read this and I hope it encourages you. I love you all more than I can even say. I'm always here if you need me.

the wasting disease goes to college.

So if you dont already know, I've had what I affectionatly call "the wasting disease" aka fibromyalgia since well I've known about it since last november when I was offcially diagnosed. Its been this really bizzare adventure with strange parkinsons like muscle twitches and other exciting symptoms. basically its something I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. Theres no real treatment for it other than being so doped up you cant see straight which is not exactly an option for me. It can be controlled with regular sleep and a very healthy diet. I can go from having a really good day to having to lay on the couch for two hours so I dont feel like I got hit by a train depending on how much soda I have. I've dealt with chronic pain for sometime now but this is a whole different ball game. It seems like no matter how much I sleep I'm still exhausted. Whenever I decided to go to school I knew that this was going to be a challenge. That no matter how terrible I felt that I would still have to make the choice to get up and go to school and to power through the headaches and pain. This is my 2nd week of school and so far I've been doing pretty well I think. I know that this term is gonna be a battle against the exhaustion and pain but this is what I do know. I am going to chase my dreams no matter what, this thing has not beat me yet. I will keep you posted on how it goes later in the quarter

Sunday, April 10, 2011

porkdodger tea parties

You would think after 24 years of this nonsense it wouldn’t bother me anymore. I’ve long been the odd man out. The ugly duckling or the awkward one. I’ve never been very good at playing by the rules or pretending that others judgment’s or nonsense didn’t bother me. Well maybe its because I am now part of a church family who doesn’t judge or that maybe its because I’ve reached a point in my life where I finally have the courage to speak out against the nonsense and the pretense. I’ve grown up around this concept that the measure of your ability to raise your children is based on the degrees they have and the number of non God given holes in their heads and ink in there skin. I’ve watched as mothers have clucked from the back of the church and during potluck to each other about mr and mrs johnsons troubled kid. “oh lets make sure so and so’s son or daughter gets extra prayer this week” not because there was actually anything morally deficient or wrong with them but because they  come to church in jeans and have more than the acceptable number of holes in there ears or heaven forbid one in there lip. Well I’ve quite had it with all this nonsense. I am tired of being treated like the prodigal child and like there’s  something terribly wrong with me for looking how i do . I am a very accomplished and well traveled 24 year old. I don’t know a lot of parents who child decided at 22 that there gonna move 2500 hundred miles away to dedicate there lives for 2 years for the cause of serving the poor and being the Lords hands and feet. But somehow no matter how well I’m doing or what amazing things I’ve contributed to society , I am still judged based on the fact that I chose to have holes in my ears or ink in my skin.. it doesn’t matter that the most visible tattoos I have speak of the unfailing love of Christ or that I got them for the purpose of having a constant reminder of Who my God is. When are we as the church finally going to be able to look at somebody like me and treat them like there part of the family? At the church body that Im a part of I’ve never once seen somebody judged based on appearance  or lack of “success” that willingness to look past the outward appearance is what it means to truly see people as Jesus see’s them and not as our fleshly judgmental hearts would quickly appraise their worth as less than others who look more "christian like" anyways thats my rant for today.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I love writing because.

I have to write a 3 page essay on why I love to write. So I sat down to brainstorm and the following is what came out. Feedback is much appreciated.

Midnight in a parking lot in Atlanta, the usual  cacophony of  sirens,squealing tires, the steady thump of bass in car steros  and dope boys shouts fill  the air. It’s the dead muggy heat the way only a hard Georgia night gets. I was hungry and exhausted and tired of my house being invaded every week and a half by 40-60 strangers there to make a big deal about how they were serving the poor when it was the life I lived all day everyday. I am angry and I have a laptop. That day after spending 2 hours scrubbing the hallway and basebords of our house only to be pulled into my directors office and berated for asking a vsiting team to help out with the dishes. We were not allowed to ever say anything in correction to the vistors no matter how they trashed our houses or ate our food. So my only option was to sit in a parking lot with my ipod in my ears, spilling my frustrations and confusion on to a document. In a dark rat infested parking lot on a hot and sticky Georgia night writing gave me the voice I never gave voice to the things that I had been screaming on the inside about. In the relative anonymity  of a social network site I found my lungs.  I grew up the youngest and smallest of three kids and the only girl so my ability to be heard  wasn’t a reality very often. I was always last to get called on and last to get picked. I read a lot and yet was a terrible student. So after barely graduating from high school and nearly ruining my life in an abusive controlling relationship I decided to do something for somebody else for a change. I packed up and moved 2500 miles away from everything  I had ever known in an attempt to find truth and identity for myself. I ended up finding my voice for the first time in 23 years. I joined a urban missions internship where I thought that if I took the focus off myself and my issues I would be able to make sense of the mess I had made of my life in a mere few years on the planet. I had taken for granted ever good thing ever handed my way and had instead focused on the things that were wrong with me and finding validation for all of the things that I felt was inadequate. I went i learned . I grew and I contributed something meaningful during my time there.  I tutored elementary school students and helped teach a 4th grader to read when I tried to help him with his reading homework and realized he didn’t even know his letters. I babysat children whos parents where to cracked out feed them. I even went on a mission trip to Puerto Rico and bandaged abcesses of heroin addicts but no matter how heroic and fulling of an experience I had I still never felt like I had a voice. Till that fateful night that I learned that in the clacking of keys on a laptop I could shout from the rooftops how very frustrated and angry I was. Soon I learned not to only write about the things that made me angry but also about the things that brought me extreme joy or even sorrow. I found that writing was the outlet I needed to be able to be completely honest with myself and the world about who I was , why I was and where I was. I learned that my identity wasn’t tied up in my geography or in what heroic deed I had done that day or whos crack baby id held. But rather in my ability to sit in a dark ,sticky , rat infested parking lot in downtown Atlanta Georgia and be honest. .
 Writing gave me a voice where I had none, anonymity where I was afraid and the ability to say what I felt without being concerned that someone would find my options lacking or inadequate.

college, relationships and t-rex earrings

Two paths converged in a wood and I took the one less traveled-  I graduated from Oregon City High school in 2006 after several teachers and one very determined counselor  exhausted every resource to get me to graduate so I could move on with my life. My dream post high school was to attend Western Culinary Le Cordon Bleu program for culinary arts and graduate and go on to own and operate my own oldies style diner based on a menu of comfort classics made from seasonal ingredients. Well I graduated in June and by the 4th of July I had decided to move out my parents house because it was impossible to hide my growing interest in things less innocent than spending time with my youth group friends. Summer ended and fall came and I was working two jobs and just wishing i was going off to college with all of my friends but had rather resigned myself to the fact that the ability to chase ones dreams was reserved for those to whom life came easily. Those who always did the right thing and didn't "smoke or chew or hang around boys that do" Mid September the family I was living with decided that I should go to school and took me to talk to an admission counselor at WCI. I sat down with a lady who assured me that they would take care of all of the financial aid paperwork and that all I had to do was pay the admissions fee. I finally had hope that maybe my dreams could come true. So I signed on the dotted line and payed the 50 bucks. Everything went as planned and on October 4th 2006 I started school. I was for the first time in a place where everyone else was as crazy about food as me. It was like I'd died and gone to Paris. As far as I knew it was all kosher and all i had to do was eventually pay the 48 grand in loans that I had to take out to pay for it. And then on the beginning of my 3rd week of class the financial aid reps came to class and informed me that I would have to start paying a minimum of 500 dollars a month to stay in school. Well at time I was already working 7 days a week and trying to hold down two jobs and barely making it. So I knew that that it had been too good to be true. So I gave up my dream of going to school completely until this last winter when I lost my job and found out that Clark College in Vancouver had the exact culinary program I was looking for and was so affordable that I would be able to go to school and not have to worry about being completely in debt forever. So this last Monday I started school. I never ever believed that I would be able to go to back. I now believe in the power of hope and that of chasing your dreams and that if you think that you will never see the light at the end of the tunnel that you have to just hold on just a bit longer and the light will be there. Now about the relationship. Sometime after I graduated I became reacquainted with my high school sweetheart and thought that I had found the "one" I gave up my identity and everything I was and that I valued and believed in to be with this person. We moved in together and started planning a extravagant wedding. I had everything a girl could dream of until one day my fiancee looked at me and said"I don't want to marry you" and eventually I found out that he had been cheating on me for at least several months with a girl I had been friends with. I was completely devastated and this further reinforced my belief that dreams dont  come true and happy endings were reserved for those to whom life came easy. I very quickly spiraled downward in to a rather miserable merry go round of drinking and meaningless relationships. After several months of this I decided to make a drastic change and moved to Atlanta Georgia to be a part of a urban missions discipleship program. I slowly started to believe again in the concept that my dreams were not  just things of childish wishes on stars and fairytale princess movies. but that rather it would just take a little more time, effort and elbow grease to make them come true. So now I am in a relationship with the most amazing person in the world. Somebody who treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated. That doesn't mean its always easy or that we don't ever disagree or even fight about stuff. It just it means its completely worth it. That every time we go to the mall and play skeeball in the arcade and he tries to win me stuffed South Park characters or that I sit through the 49304303 Nascar race that he restores my hope in the ability to dream and the idea that I may just get my princess status happy ending after all. All that said I'd like to close with this thought. Don't ever give up on the power of chasing your dreams. Always believe in happy endings. Because sometimes things don't just happen over night but two roads converged in a wood and we take the one less traveled.
ps. I got T-Rex earrings today.. there fantatsic.