Summer of the lost and found.

This summer has been one for the record books, I got a new job, one that challenged me far beyond what I thought I could handle .I learned how to manage staff, handle stress and carry food up a flight of stairs while running up them two at a time.

I learned what love really is and what it really isn’t. I learned to stand up for myself and that it is completely ok to say “no you may not treat me like that”

I found my biological family and in finding them found the answers to so many questions I had carried my whole life but I also found that those answers only brought more questions. I found out that my biological father passed  away when I was 7 years old. I gained 3 older half brothers and hope to meet all of them someday.

I had the opportunity to walk with ,mentor, feed and buy school supplies for several amazing teenagers who never fail to inspire, challenge and sometimes aggravate me. I’ve got to be apart of amazing victories and breakthroughs and continued to serve some of the most amazing pastors I’ve ever had the privilege to serve.

One of the best parts of this summer was falling in love with the most amazing man of God I have ever had the privileged to know. He has taught me so much about what the biblical example of what Love really is and continues to challenge me to be better and run harder after my dreams and the things that my future holds.

In short this has been the best summer I’ve ever had and I look forward to the soup, autumn leaves and good boots that this fall holds in store.

ps. I also got into culinary school and as of January 4th I will be a student at Oregon Culinary Instutite, if thats not proof of the Goodness of my God I dont know what is.

Dear provider of half my dna or as I like to call you...Dad

Dear Dad.

Dear dad, its been a week now since I found out the truth about you. It seems like I have more questions now that I did before I found Andy. It sounds like you were a pretty amazing guy. Andy sent me pictures of you. I now know where I got my good looks, or at least my nose. I’m so excited to meet my awesome new brothers. Thank you for giving me big brothers. I have 5 total now. I think you would have liked my adoptive family. I have a really amazing adoptive dad who calls me “baby girl” and treats me well. It definatly hasn’t always been easy  to grow up this way but I know for sure now that I was given a pretty awesome gift in this family. . I”ve had a lot of unexplained anger and felt like I never really belonged to anyone but  I know that isn’t true and that the truth is that you really did want me and did talk about me. I also know now that the combo of genetics of you and my birth mom set me up for a pretty rough fight. I have struggled with addiction and fight every day to accept things as they come and to not chose to use things that allow me to escape. I’m proud to have had your last name at least for a short time.

I think I turned out pretty well. I’m funny and thoughtful and determined. I hope that you would have been proud of me.

Andy has answered all of my questions about you. He told me what happened to you. I’m so sorry. I know that you were trying to really do right and somebody else made the choice to end your life. I’m sad that I don’t have the chance to know you or meet you or ever find out why I do some of the weird things I do. I’m also angry that other people have decided for me how it was going to be. I’m angry that the disease of addiction took me from you guys to begin with. I’m angry that someone elses selfishness is the reason that I will never meet you or have a phone conversation with you.

I will always carry you in my heart and be thankful that I was given the gift of adoption. I will always tell people that I have your nose.  I’m going down to meet everybody hopefully soon and I’m going to make a short film about it as a way to honor you. I want you to know that I am so thankful for your life and the life I have.

Are you my mother?

So as some of my readers know, I was adopted when I was 4 months old. My whole life I’ve always felt  like I was missing part of me or that I was different from everyone around  me. As a kid I wanted to have someone tell me “oh you look just like your dad or mom “ and actually mean it.  I have always felt for as long as I can remember, that I somehow didn’t belong to anyone. Now the family that adopted me loves me and I’ve always known that but it’s a strange emotion that us adoptees have to process when it comes to dealing with the sense of separateness you feel in connection with your adoptive family.

Usually when the subject of adoption comes up Im asked the question “do you ever want to find your family”  of course I do. I haven’t so  much wanted to meet my birth parents but knew that I had several siblings that I have always wanted to meet.

In 5^th grade the quest began. After finding my birth name in a pile of paperwork, I found my original birth certificate on the internet and wrote down the names of my birth parents and carried that piece of paper around till I finished high school.  Eventually life distracted me and I gave up hope of ever finding my birth family. I  became content with the idea that my questions about where I came from and my ethnic heritage would be forever unanswered. That was until this last Friday night when after dinking around on Facebook I decided to send a message to anyone in the town I was born in that had the same last name I was born with to ask for info about my birth father. I Didn’t actually expect a response from any one. So I was shocked when I received a message from a man named Andrew Ronquillo, saying that his dad who shared the same name as my birth father had in fact had a daughter who was my age and was given up for adoption.  I was in shock and began communicating with him about the details, the weirdest thing about it was that Andy and I share the same facial features and bone structure. The next day the news that he was in fact my half-brother was confirmed by a cousin who knew my birth name, which was sealed after my adoption and  other key details that only my close family would have known. So in a matter of 24 hours I gained, 3 new brothers, numerous cousins and 10 nieces and nephews. I am of course thrilled but with that joy comes a sense of overwhelming closure because I am finally getting the answers I have longed for as long as I remember. I also am dealing with sadness because in discovering this info I learned that my birth father who it turns out , contrary to what I had been told actually did very much love me and want me, passed away when I was 7 years old. He was murdered at the young age of 36. I am mourning a father I never got the chance to know but am filled with an immense sense of relief in knowing that he did want me and did talk about me often.

I am making plans to meet them all someday soon. I am also going to make a short documentary film about it as a way to honor my dads memory.

This new found family in no way replaces or discredits the family that raised me, I love them just as much as I did before I found my birth family, I don’t expect most people to understand all the reasons why I needed to do this but it is the most amazing, life changing and inspiring thing that has ever happened to me. 

villages,roadtrips and hope.

Today I learned that  life is precious, friends are priceless and sometimes it really does “take a village”

As the few of you who read my blog know  I’m involved in a youth ministry in inner  SE PDX and spend a lot of time mentoring  the kids in the youth group. Well this week has been one for the record books. We have been really struggling with one of our boys who has been battling addiction for sometime now. He had actually stopped coming to youth group and we were concerned that he was just too far gone, I admit I had stopped hoping for a miracle in his life because sometimes it hurts so much to hope. But this week the Lord proved that once again He is the God of the impossible cases. This kid asked me to drive him to a drug treatment program,, I was surprised and proud and of course took him up on the offer. To be perfectly honest though I didn’t think he would actually be there when I went to pick him up on Tuesday morning. He was and we headed to his new home for the next space of time. As we drove the 2 hours to the treatment center we talked about the Lord and the importance of making healthy choices, I shared with this kid where the Lord had brought me from and that because of what He had done in my own life that I believe that its never too late, and then I realized that I had actually believed this moment would never come. I realized that sometimes I don’t have the patience or faith to risk the hurt involved when hoping for miracles. I know this now though.. that I serve a God of the impossible things and that I can ask for big things. Anyways  we got him to treatment and helped him get settled and as we walked out the door I felt my heart break for the reality that this is something we have to deal with. The reality that not every kid has a cheering section and that everyday there are kids who make adult choices because the adults in their lives cant make healthy decisions. Which brings me to my next moment this week, on Wednesday night at youth group I had to help one of my other kids report someone in their lives who had been beating them and their baby sister, again I was hit with the reality that I have learned the things I have and come through all that I have for the purpose of rescue, to assist in the rescue of those ones who don’t have anybody who can be in their corner.  This is heartbreaking and hard but the most rewarding thing I have ever been able to do. I don’t like having to call caseworkers or go through paperwork about the drugs they’ve used recently but if this means that for one second that kid can realize that not only does Jesus love them but that I am in there corner cheering them on than that makes it totally worth it. So the moral of the story is that this week I learned that hope is always closer than we think,that rescue is always possible and that the most important thing I can do in this life is to just continue to rescue like I was rescued.

REMEMBER

Remember.

I had a strange day today. I had school but only had two classes and finally got enough sleep to feel decent. I had a meeting at church so I was able to actually go to youth group tonight which I haven’t been able to do for about a month so that was awesome.

 I was talking to my friend Shalom in the car on the way earlier about how we always want things on our terms and in our time frame and how sometimes that’s not how the Lord rolls.

Today was sure an example of that, for those who have read my blog know that I went through a rough time and that the Lord almost literally plucked me out of my situation and allowed me to go through a time where all of my comfort zones and security blankets were taken away so I could learn to rely on Him alone. In the last 1.5 years since I’ve been home from masters I’ve really struggled with doubt and the idea that I was supposed to come home because to be perfectly honest, when it gets hard sometimes I am so very tempted to run back to Georgia which had become my spiritual comfort zone.

The reason we had the meeting tonight was that one of my girls has been going through an incredibly difficult time dealing with old wounds and depression and all of those hard things that seem to besiege this generation. After much prayer and thought on the part of myself,my pastors and her parents, we decided to pitch the idea of her applying to a Christian inpatient treatment center in the south. I have to admit I sometimes forget about how very big my God is and walked into the meeting fully expecting a few words to be exchanged and for her to walk out unchanged and completely against the idea of going to the program. So we sat down and I prayed for wisdom and just started spilling my heart. Somewhere in the middle of the meeting I realized that this is why I came home, that this meeting I was in was proof that I am walking in the will of God for my life and that His plan and timing are perfect. The fact that I was able to sit there and speak to her fears about leaving everything she knows and that she will have to completely  rely on God in a way she never has and that I completely understood that. WHAT A AMAZING MOMENT OF SEEING GOD MOVE. He so confirmed in my heart that I am exactly where he wants me. And she commited to applying to the program. I DON’T ALWAYS KNOW WHY HE PICKS ME BUT IM SO GLAD HE DOES.

One year ago today.

One Year Ago Today.

This time last year I was spending yet another night locked in my room wasting my life on facebook when a fb friend of mine posted about his dad who ran a treatment center at my church ,running out the door because "there was a fire at the church"

 Well what happened was  a huge fire had broken out in the church/hotel/coffee shop and it ended up destroying both the church and the coffee shop and the youth room that was so near and dear to my kids. I remember watching in shock as firefighters threw burnt chairs out of an upstairs window that had been the completely gutted sanctuary that I had grown up in.I thought as I'm sure others did also "where do we go from here?" 

We as a youth group have exploded both in size and passion for the Lord. Out of the ashes of that the Lord has raised student leaders and youth alike who have renewed passion for the things of God. As far as my life goes its been a 100 change since this time last year.

At the time of the fire last year I was living with a friend's family and wrestling with  issues surrounded faith and my place in the world. I was miserable,unemployed and unfufilled. Fastforward a year and I have a have a home and I'm in school , finally chasing my dream of a culinary degree and I get the opportunity to speak life to and mentor amazing high schoolers and jr highers. I also get to serve the greatest youth pastors on earth.

So if you're reading this and are finding yourself in a place of feeling like your life is burning down around,you know this. HE REALLY DOES BRING BEAUTY FROM ASHES. Sometimes we dont understand the bigger picture at the time but in the end He always makes something beautiful from the mess.

what doesnt kill you makes you...go to college?

Good Morning horribly bored people with nothing better to do than read my blog, Its now my 4th week of school and thus far the hardest one I've had yet. I found out today that I cant change my math class credit to pass fail so instead I'm going to have to drop it entirely. Otherwise I would end up failing and lose my financial aid. I'm so incredibly frustrated at the moment. I don't admit defeat easily and its even harder to ask for help. I should have been taken the math class that is one level lower than the one I'm taking right now. I've also been battling a wicked cold and the usual wasting disease stuff. So today when my teacher told me that I have to drop my math class entirely instead of changing it to pass/fail I about burst into tears. Math has long been a struggle for me and a cause of much frustration. theres also a large possibility that if I cant get into another class I may end up with not enough financial aid to continue school this summer. I guess it just seems really dark and daunting today but this I do know..what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I've been through so much worse than this and have conquered much bigger mountains than this. SO WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU ....MAKES YOU GO TO COLLEGE