When I was 12 I couldn't see 25

When I was 12  I  couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be 25 years old. I am now 17 days away from being 25 and somedays I feel like I’m 12 still. The last 13 years have been incredibly hard and filled with pain and struggle but I also feel like I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could. But somedays to be perfectly honest I feel like I’m 25 with nothing to show for it. The majority of my friends have jobs and college degrees and babies and houses. I don’t have a job, I’ve only made it through 1.5 terms of school and have no hope in sight for houses, babies or husbands. I can’t seem to finance my own future and everytime I seem to get things in order I fail yet again. People like to tell me “your turn will come” but if I hear that one more time I will freak out. But then I remember…that I have defied statistics and the odds in almost everything in my life. I was told once by a trained professional that “I would never drive ,go to college or graduate from high school” well I have done all of those things and continue to do everything that people tell me I can’t. so I may be 25 and without what the world defines as success but I have climbed mountains and had victory over obstacles that would make most degree holding,baby having home owners weak in the knees. So the moral of the story is that I am successful and that I am seeing 25 and it looks pretty amazing to me.

Faith,Fishhooks and Finally giving in.

Faith ,Fishhooks and Finally Giving in.

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Sometimes I think I’m just the girl who makes the cabin assignments and fail to realize that my Captain likes to work in the strangest ways and that when I help take 60 of my kids to fall retreat that the Lord won’t always be found in the big loud moments during a service or during some  great message but in the dishes,the grilled cheese and the fish hooks.

I remember the day I got saved like it was yesterday, I was 21 years old and had just moved 2800 miles away from everything and everyone I had ever known so I could be free. I was sitting in a van in a cemetery in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia  when I finally tapped. I realized that all I had been living for and all I had once counted dear was as the prophet Ezekiel said “meaningless everything is meaningless” I hadn’t slept more than a few hours in 3 or 4 days and was sitting alone in the van when a worship song started playing and I was overcome with the Holy Spirit in a way I haven’t experienced since. I remember saying out loud “fine I’m done I quit” and I was immediately overwhelmed with a wave of Love I  cant even begin to describe.  So the point I’m to trying to make is that we often think that we as youth leaders need to hype up a worship experience so kids can get saved but I learned this weekend that my Captain is in the tiny moments and that no matter how awesome our worship is or how cool our retreats are, sometimes its  in the fishhooks and the grilled cheese that change happens.

fears,failure and flexeril

Fear , Failure and Flexeril

“Hey girl lets go down, wash our sins in the Carolina tide” one of my favorite songs is playing in my ears as I type this and reflect on how the last couple weeks have been some of the toughest of the last couple years.  At the beginning of last week I got really sick and missed a couple days of school and work and then my brand new computer died, all of those things seem really silly but can be pretty terrible, if that wasn’t enough I was in a car accident on the way to school last Friday that has left me with terrible headaches,neck pain and a debilitating fear of driving in the rain.

As most of you know for the last several months I have been dating a really great guy who I met at church and have really fallen for, I have spent the last several months  fighting with everything I have to not let my past and my failed relationships be the things that define me. I have fought for purity in my relationship and to honor God with it. I have struggled with trust and beliving the truth that somebody who loves and honors the Lord would also love me. Well the last month or so has been incredibly hard on both of us. We are both going to school full time and I’m working almost full time and hes working part time and we are both committed to youth groups. Somewhere in the last month we started arguing more and I started to let my insecurities rule my decision making. So last weekend Dan asked for a break so he could have time to figure out some things in his own life and we could both pray about our relationship. Now one of the most important things in the entire world to me is being a person of your word and so I asked him to honor that request for a break and so we are taking some time to figure things out. This is one of the most difficult things  I have had to go through and the hardest part is not allowing myself believe the lies that I have once again failed at having a healthy relationship and that I will never have a successful one or have a happy ending. But if theres anything that makes sense in this world of ours its that “IF THERES LIFE, THERES HOPE” and I believe in hope, maybe more now that I ever have.

sometimes I forget

I was watching some videos from my old Masters Commission today and those creeping doubts about whether or not I was really supposed to come home came back and again there was that voice that likes to whisper “you know you’d still be doing ministry if you were still there” 

 I’lll  be the first to admit that I’ve made more than my share of mistakes since I came home from 2 years of intense discipleship and outreach in the hood of Atlanta. I’ve given my heart away to those who didn’t deserve it and for a time fell back into my old pattern of drinking. As much as I would like to say I came home and started a ministry or that I am full time staff at church I am neither of those things.

The reality is that as much as my path this last two years has not been exactly what I or my pastors at my MC would have wanted for me , I believe it has been exactly what I needed and exactly where the Lord wanted me

. I have learned that Grace is an action word and that everyday I need to remember the words of one of my favorite worship songs. “you wont  believe where I came from, believe in Grace”  I now have an understanding that Grace is not just forgiveness of sin but the idea that the ultimate soverign God loves me so desperately that He will walk with me through hard things and that as much as I have been given Grace that I should also give it to others.

I am also learning that Love  is a continual laying down of my rights for the better of the other person, that doesn’t mean being a door mat but that Love is patient and kind and keeps no record of wrongs.

At the end of the day, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that no matter what happens I know that “Jesus loves me and the rest we will figure out”

Summer of the lost and found.

This summer has been one for the record books, I got a new job, one that challenged me far beyond what I thought I could handle .I learned how to manage staff, handle stress and carry food up a flight of stairs while running up them two at a time.

I learned what love really is and what it really isn’t. I learned to stand up for myself and that it is completely ok to say “no you may not treat me like that”

I found my biological family and in finding them found the answers to so many questions I had carried my whole life but I also found that those answers only brought more questions. I found out that my biological father passed  away when I was 7 years old. I gained 3 older half brothers and hope to meet all of them someday.

I had the opportunity to walk with ,mentor, feed and buy school supplies for several amazing teenagers who never fail to inspire, challenge and sometimes aggravate me. I’ve got to be apart of amazing victories and breakthroughs and continued to serve some of the most amazing pastors I’ve ever had the privilege to serve.

One of the best parts of this summer was falling in love with the most amazing man of God I have ever had the privileged to know. He has taught me so much about what the biblical example of what Love really is and continues to challenge me to be better and run harder after my dreams and the things that my future holds.

In short this has been the best summer I’ve ever had and I look forward to the soup, autumn leaves and good boots that this fall holds in store.

ps. I also got into culinary school and as of January 4th I will be a student at Oregon Culinary Instutite, if thats not proof of the Goodness of my God I dont know what is.

Dear provider of half my dna or as I like to call you...Dad

Dear Dad.

Dear dad, its been a week now since I found out the truth about you. It seems like I have more questions now that I did before I found Andy. It sounds like you were a pretty amazing guy. Andy sent me pictures of you. I now know where I got my good looks, or at least my nose. I’m so excited to meet my awesome new brothers. Thank you for giving me big brothers. I have 5 total now. I think you would have liked my adoptive family. I have a really amazing adoptive dad who calls me “baby girl” and treats me well. It definatly hasn’t always been easy  to grow up this way but I know for sure now that I was given a pretty awesome gift in this family. . I”ve had a lot of unexplained anger and felt like I never really belonged to anyone but  I know that isn’t true and that the truth is that you really did want me and did talk about me. I also know now that the combo of genetics of you and my birth mom set me up for a pretty rough fight. I have struggled with addiction and fight every day to accept things as they come and to not chose to use things that allow me to escape. I’m proud to have had your last name at least for a short time.

I think I turned out pretty well. I’m funny and thoughtful and determined. I hope that you would have been proud of me.

Andy has answered all of my questions about you. He told me what happened to you. I’m so sorry. I know that you were trying to really do right and somebody else made the choice to end your life. I’m sad that I don’t have the chance to know you or meet you or ever find out why I do some of the weird things I do. I’m also angry that other people have decided for me how it was going to be. I’m angry that the disease of addiction took me from you guys to begin with. I’m angry that someone elses selfishness is the reason that I will never meet you or have a phone conversation with you.

I will always carry you in my heart and be thankful that I was given the gift of adoption. I will always tell people that I have your nose.  I’m going down to meet everybody hopefully soon and I’m going to make a short film about it as a way to honor you. I want you to know that I am so thankful for your life and the life I have.

Are you my mother?

So as some of my readers know, I was adopted when I was 4 months old. My whole life I’ve always felt  like I was missing part of me or that I was different from everyone around  me. As a kid I wanted to have someone tell me “oh you look just like your dad or mom “ and actually mean it.  I have always felt for as long as I can remember, that I somehow didn’t belong to anyone. Now the family that adopted me loves me and I’ve always known that but it’s a strange emotion that us adoptees have to process when it comes to dealing with the sense of separateness you feel in connection with your adoptive family.

Usually when the subject of adoption comes up Im asked the question “do you ever want to find your family”  of course I do. I haven’t so  much wanted to meet my birth parents but knew that I had several siblings that I have always wanted to meet.

In 5^th grade the quest began. After finding my birth name in a pile of paperwork, I found my original birth certificate on the internet and wrote down the names of my birth parents and carried that piece of paper around till I finished high school.  Eventually life distracted me and I gave up hope of ever finding my birth family. I  became content with the idea that my questions about where I came from and my ethnic heritage would be forever unanswered. That was until this last Friday night when after dinking around on Facebook I decided to send a message to anyone in the town I was born in that had the same last name I was born with to ask for info about my birth father. I Didn’t actually expect a response from any one. So I was shocked when I received a message from a man named Andrew Ronquillo, saying that his dad who shared the same name as my birth father had in fact had a daughter who was my age and was given up for adoption.  I was in shock and began communicating with him about the details, the weirdest thing about it was that Andy and I share the same facial features and bone structure. The next day the news that he was in fact my half-brother was confirmed by a cousin who knew my birth name, which was sealed after my adoption and  other key details that only my close family would have known. So in a matter of 24 hours I gained, 3 new brothers, numerous cousins and 10 nieces and nephews. I am of course thrilled but with that joy comes a sense of overwhelming closure because I am finally getting the answers I have longed for as long as I remember. I also am dealing with sadness because in discovering this info I learned that my birth father who it turns out , contrary to what I had been told actually did very much love me and want me, passed away when I was 7 years old. He was murdered at the young age of 36. I am mourning a father I never got the chance to know but am filled with an immense sense of relief in knowing that he did want me and did talk about me often.

I am making plans to meet them all someday soon. I am also going to make a short documentary film about it as a way to honor my dads memory.

This new found family in no way replaces or discredits the family that raised me, I love them just as much as I did before I found my birth family, I don’t expect most people to understand all the reasons why I needed to do this but it is the most amazing, life changing and inspiring thing that has ever happened to me.