villages,roadtrips and hope.

Today I learned that  life is precious, friends are priceless and sometimes it really does “take a village”

As the few of you who read my blog know  I’m involved in a youth ministry in inner  SE PDX and spend a lot of time mentoring  the kids in the youth group. Well this week has been one for the record books. We have been really struggling with one of our boys who has been battling addiction for sometime now. He had actually stopped coming to youth group and we were concerned that he was just too far gone, I admit I had stopped hoping for a miracle in his life because sometimes it hurts so much to hope. But this week the Lord proved that once again He is the God of the impossible cases. This kid asked me to drive him to a drug treatment program,, I was surprised and proud and of course took him up on the offer. To be perfectly honest though I didn’t think he would actually be there when I went to pick him up on Tuesday morning. He was and we headed to his new home for the next space of time. As we drove the 2 hours to the treatment center we talked about the Lord and the importance of making healthy choices, I shared with this kid where the Lord had brought me from and that because of what He had done in my own life that I believe that its never too late, and then I realized that I had actually believed this moment would never come. I realized that sometimes I don’t have the patience or faith to risk the hurt involved when hoping for miracles. I know this now though.. that I serve a God of the impossible things and that I can ask for big things. Anyways  we got him to treatment and helped him get settled and as we walked out the door I felt my heart break for the reality that this is something we have to deal with. The reality that not every kid has a cheering section and that everyday there are kids who make adult choices because the adults in their lives cant make healthy decisions. Which brings me to my next moment this week, on Wednesday night at youth group I had to help one of my other kids report someone in their lives who had been beating them and their baby sister, again I was hit with the reality that I have learned the things I have and come through all that I have for the purpose of rescue, to assist in the rescue of those ones who don’t have anybody who can be in their corner.  This is heartbreaking and hard but the most rewarding thing I have ever been able to do. I don’t like having to call caseworkers or go through paperwork about the drugs they’ve used recently but if this means that for one second that kid can realize that not only does Jesus love them but that I am in there corner cheering them on than that makes it totally worth it. So the moral of the story is that this week I learned that hope is always closer than we think,that rescue is always possible and that the most important thing I can do in this life is to just continue to rescue like I was rescued.

REMEMBER

Remember.

I had a strange day today. I had school but only had two classes and finally got enough sleep to feel decent. I had a meeting at church so I was able to actually go to youth group tonight which I haven’t been able to do for about a month so that was awesome.

 I was talking to my friend Shalom in the car on the way earlier about how we always want things on our terms and in our time frame and how sometimes that’s not how the Lord rolls.

Today was sure an example of that, for those who have read my blog know that I went through a rough time and that the Lord almost literally plucked me out of my situation and allowed me to go through a time where all of my comfort zones and security blankets were taken away so I could learn to rely on Him alone. In the last 1.5 years since I’ve been home from masters I’ve really struggled with doubt and the idea that I was supposed to come home because to be perfectly honest, when it gets hard sometimes I am so very tempted to run back to Georgia which had become my spiritual comfort zone.

The reason we had the meeting tonight was that one of my girls has been going through an incredibly difficult time dealing with old wounds and depression and all of those hard things that seem to besiege this generation. After much prayer and thought on the part of myself,my pastors and her parents, we decided to pitch the idea of her applying to a Christian inpatient treatment center in the south. I have to admit I sometimes forget about how very big my God is and walked into the meeting fully expecting a few words to be exchanged and for her to walk out unchanged and completely against the idea of going to the program. So we sat down and I prayed for wisdom and just started spilling my heart. Somewhere in the middle of the meeting I realized that this is why I came home, that this meeting I was in was proof that I am walking in the will of God for my life and that His plan and timing are perfect. The fact that I was able to sit there and speak to her fears about leaving everything she knows and that she will have to completely  rely on God in a way she never has and that I completely understood that. WHAT A AMAZING MOMENT OF SEEING GOD MOVE. He so confirmed in my heart that I am exactly where he wants me. And she commited to applying to the program. I DON’T ALWAYS KNOW WHY HE PICKS ME BUT IM SO GLAD HE DOES.

One year ago today.

One Year Ago Today.

This time last year I was spending yet another night locked in my room wasting my life on facebook when a fb friend of mine posted about his dad who ran a treatment center at my church ,running out the door because "there was a fire at the church"

 Well what happened was  a huge fire had broken out in the church/hotel/coffee shop and it ended up destroying both the church and the coffee shop and the youth room that was so near and dear to my kids. I remember watching in shock as firefighters threw burnt chairs out of an upstairs window that had been the completely gutted sanctuary that I had grown up in.I thought as I'm sure others did also "where do we go from here?" 

We as a youth group have exploded both in size and passion for the Lord. Out of the ashes of that the Lord has raised student leaders and youth alike who have renewed passion for the things of God. As far as my life goes its been a 100 change since this time last year.

At the time of the fire last year I was living with a friend's family and wrestling with  issues surrounded faith and my place in the world. I was miserable,unemployed and unfufilled. Fastforward a year and I have a have a home and I'm in school , finally chasing my dream of a culinary degree and I get the opportunity to speak life to and mentor amazing high schoolers and jr highers. I also get to serve the greatest youth pastors on earth.

So if you're reading this and are finding yourself in a place of feeling like your life is burning down around,you know this. HE REALLY DOES BRING BEAUTY FROM ASHES. Sometimes we dont understand the bigger picture at the time but in the end He always makes something beautiful from the mess.

what doesnt kill you makes you...go to college?

Good Morning horribly bored people with nothing better to do than read my blog, Its now my 4th week of school and thus far the hardest one I've had yet. I found out today that I cant change my math class credit to pass fail so instead I'm going to have to drop it entirely. Otherwise I would end up failing and lose my financial aid. I'm so incredibly frustrated at the moment. I don't admit defeat easily and its even harder to ask for help. I should have been taken the math class that is one level lower than the one I'm taking right now. I've also been battling a wicked cold and the usual wasting disease stuff. So today when my teacher told me that I have to drop my math class entirely instead of changing it to pass/fail I about burst into tears. Math has long been a struggle for me and a cause of much frustration. theres also a large possibility that if I cant get into another class I may end up with not enough financial aid to continue school this summer. I guess it just seems really dark and daunting today but this I do know..what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I've been through so much worse than this and have conquered much bigger mountains than this. SO WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU ....MAKES YOU GO TO COLLEGE

Lessons on faith,fathers and using your blinker.

So today I went to try and get my license for the 2nd time....and I failed. Now for most this may not seem like anything serious but for me its incredibly frustrating. Here's the story wishbone.
When I was in my birth mothers womb she was a drug addict. So when I was born I had borderline Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and was addicted to drugs. Soon after birth I developed meningitis and ecoli which further cooked my already fragile brain.
Fast forward to 8th grade when  my poor frustrated parents finally took me to be tested for learning disabilities. It actually took until my 10th grade year to fully diagnose me. I have at least 4 types of dyslexia/dysgraphia and spacial awareness processing issues. So what that means in plain English is that its a miracle that I can even walk,talk,hear or get past basic elementary school. I did some very intensive cognitive therapy in 10th and 11th grade and managed to graduate from high school. I remember that one of my therapist told my mom to be prepared for me to never go to college or drive a car. That statement has haunted me for the last several years and has been a constant source of frustration for me. I have fought so very hard to get this far and when it seems like I can't conquer something it makes me crazy. I was recently denied for testing accommodations from the disability support people at my school which is going to make passing this math class incredibly difficult but back to my point. My dad today before I left for my test was trying to help me work on parallel parking and it seemed like I just couldn't get it. And then a light bulb went off and I realized due to my issues with spacial awareness its almost impossible for me. Here's the kicker though....I aced FREAKEN PARALLEL DURING THE TEST!
so ever since this afternoon when I failed the test I've been so broken hearted and down trodden and every negative voice in my head has been screaming about why I'm never going to pass this.
sometimes I have trouble remembering in the darkness what He's told me in the light. I was in the car with my dad earlier and we were discussing how someone I know is the same age as me and is the general manager of a hotel and how I cant even seem to get a drivers license. Now my dad if you don't know him is a man of very few serious words. So I made some self deprecating comment about how I cant even manage to get a license and my dad sorta mumbles "BUT YOUR EXACTLY WHERE GOD WANTS YOU" I almost had to sit down for a second. The reality of that truth  hit me like a cement truck.
The idea that the creator of the universe knows exactly how He made me and that I am not learning disabled because He created every little piece of my brain and that He holds every piece of my future and my present in His very capable hands. I now realize  that this process of college and learning to drive are no longer obstacles to be overcome but proof of  THE GOD OF THE IMPOSSIBLE.  The fact that I can even drive well enough to almost pass the test or go to college and blow my teacher away with my writing when statistically I shouldn't even be able to read. Anyways its late and I have school early. mumble grumble ....math test.... sorry this is such a long one and I appreciate anybody who reads this and hope it speaks life.

gems, giants and dimonds in the rough.

Boy howdy this has been a weird day. To begin with my wasting disease was off the charts today and I barely made it through school even though I spent the entire day wishing I could just lay on the floor and sleep it off. For those of you who don't know I'm privileged to serve with an amazing youth ministry. I get the chance to disciple, mentor and do life with a group of about 40 Jr high and high school kids. Lately it seems that several of my kids at once have really been struggling with life. It breaks my heart to see these amazing kids battle depression, anxiety and addiction. So I was thinking about what I would say if I could get a chance to sit down and speak my heart to a couple of them who are really struggling with very hard things.  so here goes.

To my dear ones, Let me first say how very proud I am of you. For ever even taking that step to start a relationship with Christ. For allowing me the privilege of being apart of your lives. You are phenomenal human beings. You light up a room when you enter.
          I know that this place that your in is dark  perhaps the darkest you've ever been in in your short lives. I also know that life doesn't always deal us a fair hand and that sometimes when people tell you "everything happens for a reason" you want to punch them in the mouth. I know that sometimes it seems like I'm just another talking head. Another person to tell you a bunch of cliche bible verses and try to boss you around But let me tell you this. My heart is breaking for what your going through because I have been there. I once was homeless and didnt want anything to do with my family. I used to wake up every morning wishing I could just go back to sleep and never wake up.
 So because I know and because I have been there in that place where it seems too dark to ever see daylight again. One of my pastors in Georgia once told me something . thats always stuck with me. "REMEMBER IN THE DARKNESS WHAT HE'S TOLD YOU IN THE LIGHT" no matter how dark it seems or how hopeless you feel remember these things
1.YOU ARE NOT AN ACCIDENT
2. YOU ARE CHOSEN
3.YOU HAVE PURPOSE.
4. YOU HAVE A UNIQUE PURPOSE AND DESTINY
5. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.
so in closing I just wanna say that I hope you read this and I hope it encourages you. I love you all more than I can even say. I'm always here if you need me.

the wasting disease goes to college.

So if you dont already know, I've had what I affectionatly call "the wasting disease" aka fibromyalgia since well I've known about it since last november when I was offcially diagnosed. Its been this really bizzare adventure with strange parkinsons like muscle twitches and other exciting symptoms. basically its something I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. Theres no real treatment for it other than being so doped up you cant see straight which is not exactly an option for me. It can be controlled with regular sleep and a very healthy diet. I can go from having a really good day to having to lay on the couch for two hours so I dont feel like I got hit by a train depending on how much soda I have. I've dealt with chronic pain for sometime now but this is a whole different ball game. It seems like no matter how much I sleep I'm still exhausted. Whenever I decided to go to school I knew that this was going to be a challenge. That no matter how terrible I felt that I would still have to make the choice to get up and go to school and to power through the headaches and pain. This is my 2nd week of school and so far I've been doing pretty well I think. I know that this term is gonna be a battle against the exhaustion and pain but this is what I do know. I am going to chase my dreams no matter what, this thing has not beat me yet. I will keep you posted on how it goes later in the quarter