Faith,Fishhooks and Finally giving in.

Faith ,Fishhooks and Finally Giving in.

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Sometimes I think I’m just the girl who makes the cabin assignments and fail to realize that my Captain likes to work in the strangest ways and that when I help take 60 of my kids to fall retreat that the Lord won’t always be found in the big loud moments during a service or during some  great message but in the dishes,the grilled cheese and the fish hooks.

I remember the day I got saved like it was yesterday, I was 21 years old and had just moved 2800 miles away from everything and everyone I had ever known so I could be free. I was sitting in a van in a cemetery in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia  when I finally tapped. I realized that all I had been living for and all I had once counted dear was as the prophet Ezekiel said “meaningless everything is meaningless” I hadn’t slept more than a few hours in 3 or 4 days and was sitting alone in the van when a worship song started playing and I was overcome with the Holy Spirit in a way I haven’t experienced since. I remember saying out loud “fine I’m done I quit” and I was immediately overwhelmed with a wave of Love I  cant even begin to describe.  So the point I’m to trying to make is that we often think that we as youth leaders need to hype up a worship experience so kids can get saved but I learned this weekend that my Captain is in the tiny moments and that no matter how awesome our worship is or how cool our retreats are, sometimes its  in the fishhooks and the grilled cheese that change happens.

fears,failure and flexeril

Fear , Failure and Flexeril

“Hey girl lets go down, wash our sins in the Carolina tide” one of my favorite songs is playing in my ears as I type this and reflect on how the last couple weeks have been some of the toughest of the last couple years.  At the beginning of last week I got really sick and missed a couple days of school and work and then my brand new computer died, all of those things seem really silly but can be pretty terrible, if that wasn’t enough I was in a car accident on the way to school last Friday that has left me with terrible headaches,neck pain and a debilitating fear of driving in the rain.

As most of you know for the last several months I have been dating a really great guy who I met at church and have really fallen for, I have spent the last several months  fighting with everything I have to not let my past and my failed relationships be the things that define me. I have fought for purity in my relationship and to honor God with it. I have struggled with trust and beliving the truth that somebody who loves and honors the Lord would also love me. Well the last month or so has been incredibly hard on both of us. We are both going to school full time and I’m working almost full time and hes working part time and we are both committed to youth groups. Somewhere in the last month we started arguing more and I started to let my insecurities rule my decision making. So last weekend Dan asked for a break so he could have time to figure out some things in his own life and we could both pray about our relationship. Now one of the most important things in the entire world to me is being a person of your word and so I asked him to honor that request for a break and so we are taking some time to figure things out. This is one of the most difficult things  I have had to go through and the hardest part is not allowing myself believe the lies that I have once again failed at having a healthy relationship and that I will never have a successful one or have a happy ending. But if theres anything that makes sense in this world of ours its that “IF THERES LIFE, THERES HOPE” and I believe in hope, maybe more now that I ever have.

sometimes I forget

I was watching some videos from my old Masters Commission today and those creeping doubts about whether or not I was really supposed to come home came back and again there was that voice that likes to whisper “you know you’d still be doing ministry if you were still there” 

 I’lll  be the first to admit that I’ve made more than my share of mistakes since I came home from 2 years of intense discipleship and outreach in the hood of Atlanta. I’ve given my heart away to those who didn’t deserve it and for a time fell back into my old pattern of drinking. As much as I would like to say I came home and started a ministry or that I am full time staff at church I am neither of those things.

The reality is that as much as my path this last two years has not been exactly what I or my pastors at my MC would have wanted for me , I believe it has been exactly what I needed and exactly where the Lord wanted me

. I have learned that Grace is an action word and that everyday I need to remember the words of one of my favorite worship songs. “you wont  believe where I came from, believe in Grace”  I now have an understanding that Grace is not just forgiveness of sin but the idea that the ultimate soverign God loves me so desperately that He will walk with me through hard things and that as much as I have been given Grace that I should also give it to others.

I am also learning that Love  is a continual laying down of my rights for the better of the other person, that doesn’t mean being a door mat but that Love is patient and kind and keeps no record of wrongs.

At the end of the day, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that no matter what happens I know that “Jesus loves me and the rest we will figure out”

Summer of the lost and found.

This summer has been one for the record books, I got a new job, one that challenged me far beyond what I thought I could handle .I learned how to manage staff, handle stress and carry food up a flight of stairs while running up them two at a time.

I learned what love really is and what it really isn’t. I learned to stand up for myself and that it is completely ok to say “no you may not treat me like that”

I found my biological family and in finding them found the answers to so many questions I had carried my whole life but I also found that those answers only brought more questions. I found out that my biological father passed  away when I was 7 years old. I gained 3 older half brothers and hope to meet all of them someday.

I had the opportunity to walk with ,mentor, feed and buy school supplies for several amazing teenagers who never fail to inspire, challenge and sometimes aggravate me. I’ve got to be apart of amazing victories and breakthroughs and continued to serve some of the most amazing pastors I’ve ever had the privilege to serve.

One of the best parts of this summer was falling in love with the most amazing man of God I have ever had the privileged to know. He has taught me so much about what the biblical example of what Love really is and continues to challenge me to be better and run harder after my dreams and the things that my future holds.

In short this has been the best summer I’ve ever had and I look forward to the soup, autumn leaves and good boots that this fall holds in store.

ps. I also got into culinary school and as of January 4th I will be a student at Oregon Culinary Instutite, if thats not proof of the Goodness of my God I dont know what is.