Musings of a mini mexican

I am small, I am mighty, I am loved chosen and destined. I write not for anyone else to read really but to keep myself sane. Its how I process and in the process I have discovered I have a gift with words.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Dear provider of half my dna or as I like to call you...Dad

Dear Dad.
Dear dad, its been a week now since I found out the truth about you. It seems like I have more questions now that I did before I found Andy. It sounds like you were a pretty amazing guy. Andy sent me pictures of you. I now know where I got my good looks, or at least my nose. I’m so excited to meet my awesome new brothers. Thank you for giving me big brothers. I have 5 total now. I think you would have liked my adoptive family. I have a really amazing adoptive dad who calls me “baby girl” and treats me well. It definatly hasn’t always been easy  to grow up this way but I know for sure now that I was given a pretty awesome gift in this family. . I”ve had a lot of unexplained anger and felt like I never really belonged to anyone but  I know that isn’t true and that the truth is that you really did want me and did talk about me. I also know now that the combo of genetics of you and my birth mom set me up for a pretty rough fight. I have struggled with addiction and fight every day to accept things as they come and to not chose to use things that allow me to escape. I’m proud to have had your last name at least for a short time.
I think I turned out pretty well. I’m funny and thoughtful and determined. I hope that you would have been proud of me.
Andy has answered all of my questions about you. He told me what happened to you. I’m so sorry. I know that you were trying to really do right and somebody else made the choice to end your life. I’m sad that I don’t have the chance to know you or meet you or ever find out why I do some of the weird things I do. I’m also angry that other people have decided for me how it was going to be. I’m angry that the disease of addiction took me from you guys to begin with. I’m angry that someone elses selfishness is the reason that I will never meet you or have a phone conversation with you.
I will always carry you in my heart and be thankful that I was given the gift of adoption. I will always tell people that I have your nose.  I’m going down to meet everybody hopefully soon and I’m going to make a short film about it as a way to honor you. I want you to know that I am so thankful for your life and the life I have.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Are you my mother?

So as some of my readers know, I was adopted when I was 4 months old. My whole life I’ve always felt  like I was missing part of me or that I was different from everyone around  me. As a kid I wanted to have someone tell me “oh you look just like your dad or mom “ and actually mean it.  I have always felt for as long as I can remember, that I somehow didn’t belong to anyone. Now the family that adopted me loves me and I’ve always known that but it’s a strange emotion that us adoptees have to process when it comes to dealing with the sense of separateness you feel in connection with your adoptive family.
Usually when the subject of adoption comes up Im asked the question “do you ever want to find your family”  of course I do. I haven’t so  much wanted to meet my birth parents but knew that I had several siblings that I have always wanted to meet.
In 5th grade the quest began. After finding my birth name in a pile of paperwork, I found my original birth certificate on the internet and wrote down the names of my birth parents and carried that piece of paper around till I finished high school.  Eventually life distracted me and I gave up hope of ever finding my birth family. I  became content with the idea that my questions about where I came from and my ethnic heritage would be forever unanswered. That was until this last Friday night when after dinking around on Facebook I decided to send a message to anyone in the town I was born in that had the same last name I was born with to ask for info about my birth father. I Didn’t actually expect a response from any one. So I was shocked when I received a message from a man named Andrew Ronquillo, saying that his dad who shared the same name as my birth father had in fact had a daughter who was my age and was given up for adoption.  I was in shock and began communicating with him about the details, the weirdest thing about it was that Andy and I share the same facial features and bone structure. The next day the news that he was in fact my half-brother was confirmed by a cousin who knew my birth name, which was sealed after my adoption and  other key details that only my close family would have known. So in a matter of 24 hours I gained, 3 new brothers, numerous cousins and 10 nieces and nephews. I am of course thrilled but with that joy comes a sense of overwhelming closure because I am finally getting the answers I have longed for as long as I remember. I also am dealing with sadness because in discovering this info I learned that my birth father who it turns out , contrary to what I had been told actually did very much love me and want me, passed away when I was 7 years old. He was murdered at the young age of 36. I am mourning a father I never got the chance to know but am filled with an immense sense of relief in knowing that he did want me and did talk about me often.
I am making plans to meet them all someday soon. I am also going to make a short documentary film about it as a way to honor my dads memory.
This new found family in no way replaces or discredits the family that raised me, I love them just as much as I did before I found my birth family, I don’t expect most people to understand all the reasons why I needed to do this but it is the most amazing, life changing and inspiring thing that has ever happened to me.