Musings of a mini mexican

I am small, I am mighty, I am loved chosen and destined. I write not for anyone else to read really but to keep myself sane. Its how I process and in the process I have discovered I have a gift with words.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Dear provider of half my dna or as I like to call you...Dad

Dear Dad.
Dear dad, its been a week now since I found out the truth about you. It seems like I have more questions now that I did before I found Andy. It sounds like you were a pretty amazing guy. Andy sent me pictures of you. I now know where I got my good looks, or at least my nose. I’m so excited to meet my awesome new brothers. Thank you for giving me big brothers. I have 5 total now. I think you would have liked my adoptive family. I have a really amazing adoptive dad who calls me “baby girl” and treats me well. It definatly hasn’t always been easy  to grow up this way but I know for sure now that I was given a pretty awesome gift in this family. . I”ve had a lot of unexplained anger and felt like I never really belonged to anyone but  I know that isn’t true and that the truth is that you really did want me and did talk about me. I also know now that the combo of genetics of you and my birth mom set me up for a pretty rough fight. I have struggled with addiction and fight every day to accept things as they come and to not chose to use things that allow me to escape. I’m proud to have had your last name at least for a short time.
I think I turned out pretty well. I’m funny and thoughtful and determined. I hope that you would have been proud of me.
Andy has answered all of my questions about you. He told me what happened to you. I’m so sorry. I know that you were trying to really do right and somebody else made the choice to end your life. I’m sad that I don’t have the chance to know you or meet you or ever find out why I do some of the weird things I do. I’m also angry that other people have decided for me how it was going to be. I’m angry that the disease of addiction took me from you guys to begin with. I’m angry that someone elses selfishness is the reason that I will never meet you or have a phone conversation with you.
I will always carry you in my heart and be thankful that I was given the gift of adoption. I will always tell people that I have your nose.  I’m going down to meet everybody hopefully soon and I’m going to make a short film about it as a way to honor you. I want you to know that I am so thankful for your life and the life I have.

No comments:

Post a Comment